I think this is a decent first post.
I know this is rather long and I’m not sure if I’m going to be making alot of long posts like this in the future or not, but this one has meaning and it’s obviously my first post so yeah.
I might have a smile on my face most of the time, but it’s definitely not always real and I’m not the person my friends and my family think I am. I have anxiety and it causes me to worry about nearly everything, it makes me not trust myself with anything and I have serious independence problems because of that, and I worry so much that I go into these mini depressions where all I want to do is sleep and cry for about a week at a time. On top of that I had complicated family problems, bad confidence problems, social problems, and the stress with school. I really needed an outlet and I felt like nobody would understand what I was going through and that nobody was really there for me. I think I felt this way because at that time, basically everyone had been pushing me away and ignoring me, including my family, so I knew they wouldn’t want to hear what was going on and I simply figured nobody cared. I let curiosity get the best of me and I tried cutting to release all of the worry and sadness from myself. I felt in control of my feelings for once and when I cut, I felt like everything I was holding inside was finally coming out and I thought it was helping me. I kept telling myself I don’t have a problem, I can stop whenever I want to. Little did I know, I did have a problem and stopping was going to be way harder than starting was. I only ever told one person about my struggle with cutting, and that person was my best friend and I still felt like he wouldn’t understand, like he wouldn’t care about me anymore and he’d think I was a freak. It had only happened because I had accidentally let it slip one night that there was one thing I hadn’t told him about myself and he begged me to tell him. I finally did and it was one of the most nerve-racking moments ever, waiting for him to respond to my text. He seemed really weirded out and like he thought I was a freak. I was so scared because I didn’t want to lose him. I panicked and lied to him saying that I had stopped and would never do it again and that it was a long time ago. He believed me and I wished I could stop so I didn’t have to lie to him to keep him as my best friend, but I couldn’t because my head was twisted into believing that I needed to cut to get rid of all the anxiety, to help the confidence issues, and get rid of all the sadness inside of me. I was also too scared to tell anybody about it because people at my school tend to bully people who cut, and I already felt ashamed about letting my best friend know. My life revolved around when I could cut and how to hide the cuts and excuses for if somebody ever noticed them. It was making everything worse, but it was the only way I knew how to deal with those feelings I’d never felt before, the terrible ones that were taking me over without the cutting. I was always having breakdowns and crying, I was spiraling myself out of control. I kept cutting and I wasn’t myself anymore, the bubbly and happy me got lost somewhere and I knew I could never get her back. I had suicidal thoughts and I thought everything was just too much too handle. But I didn’t want to believe that. I didn’t want that to happen to me and I wanted to remember what it felt like to be happy. I kinda wanted to stop, but it was too hard because I had depended on it for so long and I had become addicted to the feeling of it, as crazy as that sounds. I refused to talk to a physiologist or a therapist because I hate talking to people who are professionals like that. I feel like they’re just being nosy and they make me feel angry and even worse. I don’t know why.
I’ve followed Alex (imjustaboywithadream) on here on my other blogs ever since I started them. I’ve always loved him and I knew he gave great advice so I sent him an ask, obviously on anonymous. I honestly didn’t think he’d respond to me because he probably got so many other messages and this one was anon, but he did respond. I liked it and I started noticing several other answers he gave about cutting and some of them were about suicide too, so I liked them all. He said things like the sun always rises and there’s always going to be a tomorrow, and you never know what good things tomorrow might bring so you should give it a chance. He said to start telling yourself you can do it and you can make it through, so I started telling myself I could stop cutting and I would be okay. He said when the going gets tough, you have to be tough and pick yourself up and tell yourself that it is beatable. I guess these things just gave me hope and coming from someone so amazing, that hope was extremely strong. I read a lot from him about cutting and how I am stronger than that blade, and what he finally said is at the end of the storm comes a rainbow. I gathered all these positive things he said and I made myself believe I could beat this. It took weak moments and strong moments, it took time and tears, and frustration.. But I stopped cutting and I found my rainbow, and boy is it bright! I got myself back and I’ve never been happier. And I owe it to Alex because he coached me through this without ever even knowing it, he helped me become strong again and he probably saved my life.
Another thing Alex said is along the lines of you’re refusing to believe people are there for you. After I stopped cutting, I realized people are there for me and that I guess I was just under a mind trick that nobody cared. I talked to my mom about things, other than the cutting. I’ve recently started going to counseling for the anxiety and the sadness, and it’s not that bad. I was so worked up at first, but she’s really nice and I’m starting to feel better about things. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re heading in a great direction and it turns out I did make it through this. I brought myself back up from total rock bottom, and I’m recovering from that.
Alex if you read this, thank you so fucking much. I hope you realize how much of an impact you have had on my life and if you hadn’t taken the time to type out all those answers, I might not even be here today. You have changed my life in the biggest way possible and I look up to you more than anyone else in the world. You are an incredible human being, and I love you more than words could ever describe. Thank you again<3 And if anybody else reads this, know that things do get better if you set your mind to it and I know things are hard, but you’re strong enough to get through them. Like Alex said, you can always look forward to tomorrow because the sun will always come up and you never know what might happen. Something amazing could happen to you, so don’t let yourself miss out on that. Keep going and never give up.
